How to deal with your child’s tech tantrum after screen time or gaming are taken away
It is extremely likely that if you have a child and are not living on Mars! you have experienced or have heard of tech tantrums. The moment when your little angel or chilled out teen emotionally explodes in response to being asked to stop gaming or using tech.
Most parents are aware of and are expecting the toddler tantrums, in fact a whole stage of development has been labelled after them: “The terrible twos.” But with the emergence of increased amounts of technology being accessible at home, more and more parents have been faced with much older children and teens having tantrums. As a parent and a child psychologist I have had first-hand experience and have been often told of otherwise well-adjusted children becoming irritated, agitated, aggressive and frustrated when asked to come off the screens or stop gaming. It can be really anxiety provoking for parents and quite shocking when you see your child’s behaviour change so dramatically over such a short space of time. I am here to tell you, try not to be too overwhelmed this is not unusual and does not mean that your child is addicted to screen time or gaming there are physiological reasons for this change of behaviour.
Whilst your child or teen is having fun when gaming or on the screens, behind the scenes inside their brain a chemical called dopamine is being released, its often known as the ‘feel good’ chemical because the more fun and rewards your child receives the more dopamine is released. When using technology it is usual for children to be both engrossed in the game or screen and hyper-aroused which can cause them to be extremely alert and sensitive in the virtual world. These feelings and emotions are difficult for them to regulate because the area of the brain that controls impulses does not fully develop until a young person is 25 years old. Which means when the fun is suddenly stopped, so is the supply of dopamine which for a child in the midst of playing can feel like they have just had cold water thrown over them! This is what causes the sudden change in behaviour often leading to aggressive outbursts, it is advisable for parents to give their child a gradual approach to stopping their screen time
There are simple strategies that can be put in place to reduce and prevent tech tantrums see the 5 tips below:
- Setup a tech agreement or plan
Plan a time when you can all sit down as a family and you can outline the technology rules and boundaries. Be clear about when and how long your child can play on technology for, ( this may be age dependent) if these limits have been established before they use devices then it is less likely to cause a tech tantrum. Have visual displays of the agreement ( on the fridge/ notice board/bedroom door) so there are reminders of what has been agreed.
Here is a good place to start for planning ideas:
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/media/Pages/default.aspx#
2. Warn/ Count down to the end
Often parents will say it is like their child has ‘got lost in the game’ this is very usual when children are involved and engrossed in a game they lose all sense of time and awareness about what is going on around them. Because of this lack of awareness, it is really helpful to give them time warnings, “ Ben you have 15 more minutes, then 10 , then 5. For younger children, a timer or giving them markers, like telling them ‘after the next game ends’ will be just as effective. Pre-warnings give children a chance to become mentally prepared, begin to withdraw from the game and also gives them the opportunity to inform their friends. This not only gives your child a sense of responsibility but allows them to feel in control, two really good ways of building their own technology resilience.
3. Alternatives to Screen time
As mentioned above tech time is linked to a rise in Dopamine, so it is advisable to allow them to have a smooth transition off tech this can be done by allowing your children to interact with activities that will provide a similar feeling for example encouraging them to do a non screen based enjoyable activity e.g. bike ride, trampoline family game time. A child is going to be calmer stopping technology when they are encouraged by the next activity. E.g. telling your child to stop gaming to start homework is probably not going to enthuse them.
4. Calm Talk Reinforce
Its highly likely that your child will have tech tantrums whilst you are instilling the above strategies and it ca be a recipe for an emotional explosion if you speak to them when your irritated and they are hyeperaroused! If you are faced with a tech tantrum the following may help:
Calm: Let the situation calm down, by walking away or ignoring it as much as you can
Talk: to them about their response. Saying something like,’ I know it’s difficult to stop when you were having so much fun but the time limit was reached.’
Reinforce: the behaviours you expect/ have clear consequences
I am sure you will be tempted to do an all-out ban; I have been there! But that does not solve the problem or change the behaviour in the long run. Technology is not going anywhere and in fact your child is the digital native, meaning they are growing up in a digital world and are likely to be much more familiar with it than their digital immigrant parents.
The best support we can provide is to build their digital resilience and agility towards technology so they learn how to regulate their emotions whilst on and off technology.
5. Consistency is the key
Research has shown and experience has taught me that consistency is the key to any behaviour change or forming of new habits. Most children will stop throwing tech tantrums but it will take time. They will gradually learn that it is more effective to calmly stop playing rather than get angry. However parents need to be the strong ones here and be firm with boundaries around screen-time and gaming. It is tempting to give in to pleads of’ just one last game or ten more minutes!’ But the more consistent you are now they better the response in the long run.
Tech tantrums can be really worrying and frustrating if you feel like you need more help with managing them and supporting your child please see information below:
Please join the Free Facebook group: Ask Dr Michele….. Support for Parents with screen time and gaming
https://www.facebook.com/groups/372263223405588/?ref=share
If this has been helpful and you would like some specific advice you can book a consultation: